Day 41: Ennui strikes. :|

Fuck, you guys.  (That comma is so important.  I'm complaining, not lashing out at you, Dear Readers.)

Yesterday, all the way home from work, I was like, "I'll get those programs Zach told me about, figure out how to open up those files, read through 'em until I see how they work, then apply some of that to my own thing.  Ooh, then maybe I'll play some vidjagames, if I've still got time, 'cuz I'm off tomorrow."  The whole way home, I was fucking excited to get home and start doing things.

Got home, opened up my 'puter, and... shit.  Shitty, shitty shit-shit.  Nothing was wrong with my computer, or anything else in the world, I just suddenly came down with Maximum Strength Not-Fucking-Around ennui.  For those who aren't savvy, ennui is a French word that means "boredom" - but it's a particularly French flavor of boredom.

So I thought, "Fuggit, I'll play some games first, then see if that helps."  Nope!  Phoned it in for a little bit, then didn't care any more.  Poked around on the internet, didn't care about anything.  Found some life-affirming quotes and phrases on the "We Fucking Love Atheism" page on Facebook, brought a smile to my face, but the ennui didn't go away.  Made dinner, it tasted like cardboard.  Went to bed the Hell-ass early.

Woke up after twelve hours of sleep, it was my day off, thought I'd be full of energy.  Nope!  Still full of ennui. Got Notepad++, and figured out how to open those files Zach sent me - so I'm at least in a better position than I was on Friday.  Tried reading it, but the voice in my head kept shouting - like, seriously shouting - "This is stupid!  This is so stupid!  Who cares about this stupid, stupid shit?  Nobody!  Fuck this!" over and over at me.  Took a bath, and somehow the water went from luke-warm to burning without warming me.  Made breakfast and had tea - breakfast also tasted like cardboard, despite carefully planned spices, and tea made me want a nap.  Laid down for a nap - but no!  Stared at the ceiling for four hours.

This is worse than Existential Crisis and Dragons.

Seriously, The Internet.  I think I lost my dice in the move, so I can't even roll my way out of this.  I mean, I don't even feel like drinking.  Don't wanna watch A Game of Thrones.  Don't wanna eat ice cream, for fear that red velvet cake will also taste like cardboard.

I am angry at the world for a whole host of reasons, though - reasons that predate my birth (Hell, reasons that predate the fucking Industrial Revolution) - so I do feel like breaking things.  But I know in my heart of hearts that breaking things won't fix those problems, and will really just inconvenience someone else, which will make me feel worse.  Shit, I even tried looking up cures for ennui on the internet - I found religion, spending money, and murder; all things I can't do.

Fuggit.  I haven't spent a day staring at the air for a while.  I guess I just gotta ride this out.  And anyway, I got Zach's files open in Notepad++, so that's technically progress (stupid, tiny, insignificant progress is still progress).  I'm gonna go sit on the porch now and think about feelings.  Y'all have a better one.